Change It Up

I am sitting here on the brink of a new year, and trying to decide on how I feel.

Honestly I feel like not only this past year, but the past 4 have been complete and utter trash. From the death of my grandparents (who I was extremely close to), to losing 2 of my closets friends, to finally the near death of my marriage (currently it is on life support. Deciding on hanging on or pulling the plug). These past years have been a sort of hell that I never imagine my psyche could handle.

However, I am handling it. These years are teaching me, rather painfully, how to endure, to have patience, and to know how to speak.

How to endure without disappearing into my normal pits of despair.

How to be patient with myself. I can’t judge my progress based on others. Comparing yourself to others only leads to disappointment.

How to speak. I never used my voice in any of the relationships I’ve had. My friends and their drama came first. My husband’s every whim was more important than my own. Not anymore.

I still struggle with self worth but I am learning that I matter. My opinions, thoughts, desires, needs…all that matters and if you call yourself my friend, my lover you WILL respect me. I will NOT allow myself to be treated any kind of way.

2019 will NOT be full of misery. It won’t be overly exciting, but it will be better. There is no other option.

Enjoy the new year people. Take care of yourself.

Disloyal but not Unfaithful?

My husband hasn’t had sex with anyone else. But it doesn’t make the things of the past and new things in the present any easier.

Flirting. Texting. Requesting to be flashed. Porn Addiction. Kissing another woman while we are separated.

I know many will say to move on, get a divorce, or any number of things that result into the dissolution of my marriage.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anything left to save. Then I remember that I do actually want it to work. I just have no idea what to do.

Currently he is trying to buy me it seems. Digging into his tiny savings to pay for clothes and my summer trip to Greece next year.

I know I am or at least I act emotionally detached from him. When we are together I refuse to allow him in. I want him to suffer and know he was wrong…to teach him that his actions have consequences.

Not sure if I’m going about it right. Time will tell.

Disloyal? Cheating? Overreaction?

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything…at all. I have been dealing with the depression and all the crap that has come with it.

This recent development is not helping matters.

For the entire length of our marriage my husband has been dealing with a porn addiction. I didn’t find out about that until the second year. Then a little texting problem with a female the third year. Now I saw the texts, she was doing the heavy flirting and he asked her to stop.

Almost 3 years ago now he left home and we have been trying to work it out these past 8 months. I don’t fully trust him as I found out he kissed someone last year around this time, so when given the chance I snopped through his phone a few nights ago.

He was talking to a co worker, a female and she was going on about wanting a good man who loves kids, had a job, good in bed, etc. Then she moved on from that topic. My husband then decides to say, “I know this is wrong and I’m sorry but I think youd really enjoy my tongue. I love to eat out. That’s it moving on”.

To this girls credit she said, “😑 why didn’t You text that to your wife WTH. Moving on.” Then at a changed the topic.

I am furious. He doesn’t know that I know about that. And I just…ugh this is not helping my life.

What would you do?

Not So Bad

Not every day feels like a storm cloud is glued to my brain. There are some rays of sunlight that give me brief respite from the prison that almost feels self imposed.

There are days I can function as if not ing bothers me.

Yesterday was a day like that. There is so much going on, a family member so sick we thought he would die, work, money, etc…

So my husband called me up and told me to come out with him. For a while it was just like old times. We went and listened to free jazz in the park, until it rained and went to have a few drinks. I met a very nice deaf man there and we a nice conversation. American Sign Language has been something I have been working on for the past two years. I am in no way fluent but we were able to talk.

This language has helped me focus on something else since my husband and I separated. I absolutely love the language and it is beyond exciting when I finally get to use it. My husband watched me and was lost the entire conversation. Afterwards he smiled, hugged me tight, and gave me a kiss. I am not often affectionate with him due to our current circumstances, but this caught me off guard and it just happened.

I asked him why he did that and just said how proud he was of me. That through it all I have proven stronger than he thought.

I was at a loss hearing that. I wanted to both hug and punch him in the face.

Normal reaction?

—Ms. Nesa Nobody

Abandoned

It was around February that my husband called me, as I was having a taco with my cousin, and ask me to come home so we could talk. Instinctively I knew what it was about but I asked him anyway to be sure. He replied that it had been what we had discussed before. His leaving.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, said goodbye to my cousin, and headed home. He was in our bedroom packing his things, and washing clothes.

He told me he was leaving. That it was best for him to protect himself emotionally…and I don’t remember too much else. Mostly because I was sobbing and yes even slightly begging him to stay. I remember him hugging me, telling me he loved me and then I pushed him away. I screamed at him, called him a liar. I wanted to hurt him for doing this to me, to us, to our family.

My nephew was home during all this and not wanting him to see the man he saw as a father figure walking out the door, I asked him to come with me and I headed to my mother’s house.

We stayed with her most of these at, she paid for all of us to go to the local theme park.

When I finally came home everything of his was gone. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. My sister in law, who lived with us, came running out of the room to hug me ask I broke down.

What were we going to do now? My sister had just moved down with us and wasn’t working. The arrangement I had with my husband allowed me to work only 2 days a week retail. He paid the bills. I remember checking my bank account and seeing only $1. 1 freaking dollar. For three people. No food in the house.

What Now?

—Memories of Ms. Nesa Nobody

Call Centers

I personally think these soul sucking death traps should all be burned to the ground. Unfortunately they’re some of the highest paying jobs in my area. Previously I let it rip that at two of my previous jobs I was sent home/cart via ambulance off the campus. Both of those jobs were call centers. I’ve read of two names given to what I experienced Call center Burn out or Call Center Stress Syndrome. I won’t say these are medically accurate names, however it does get the point across.

While not hard jobs I simply can’t explain the absolute horror I feel having to be employed there. People who call in tend to forget they are speaking to another person. One who merely works for said company and has nothing to do with policy and procedures. Yet they are bullied sometimes by management but always by customers. I have been yelled at, cursed at, called names, called racial slurs, etc.

I remember a bank I worked at, this man made me so angry, i memorized his address and googled how to send a glitter bomb and poop to his house ( http://www.ruindays.com in case you were interested 😈😈😈). About 97% of the time the issues I got over the phone were the customers fault and problem. No I can’t reverse a fee every month, learn to budget. Before you even got to me the automated system told you your balance, why are you asking me? You want me to review the last 25 transactions you made…ever heard of the internet or an app? No I don’t know why the bank thinks charging a monthly fee is a good idea. I don’t want to hear about your cat. Yes I have to ask you authentication questions. No I can’t help you until you answer these questions. I know it’s annoying but do you know the answer?

Ugh…sorry I had flashbacks…

The sad thing is, to lessen my hour long commute and make more money I just might need to step back into that hell hole. The very idea has me reaching for the nearest anti depressant and praying that I don’t vomit them back up.

I dread the idea but I’m almost middle aged with no actual skills besides general customer service work.

Which anti depressant turns me into a zombie again???

A Poem of Sorts

I wish I was the type of girl who could will herself to care

Who painted her lips and arched her eyebrows

Who smiled at her reflection, at least content with the vision before her

Instead I cry. I lose the will to try.

I stare at the tangled kinks they call my crown

I squeeze lumps of fat too stubborn to take the hint

And I cry

Because I can’t will myself to care…

IG:Nesainspired

-Ms. Nobody

Work and Depression

From my almost 15 years of experience of dealing with this crap filled monster I can say that yes you can work. For me though it’s always a mask. I can force a smile that never reaches my eyes. I can be the most polite customer service representative you meet that day. All the while feel like jumping off a bridge.

I have survived most of my jobs. However there were two that I just couldn’t. I started having horrible anxiety attacks, bad enough that they sent me to the hospital in an ambulance, I cried driving to and from work, etc. It was my own personal Hell.

Now I just quit jobs. Always always they eventually get to that point. When I just can’t function any more. I put myself into financial hardship which only causes me to spiral deeper into my depression.

I can feel it start to happening now. The sense of hopelessness and dread as my eyes open in the morning. Sighing heavily in my 45 minute commute across town. Faking my way through the day as if I actually care about the over priced crap I’m producing. It’s starting to get really hard to fake it.

I’ve been searching for a new job almost daily. Let’s see what happens.

As I reread this I see how I’m just rambling. But I warned you about that. But this helps, getting my thoughts out. Thank you for reading and liking.

Any tips or tricks to keep yourself motivated?

–Ms. Nobody

Inconsiderate Words

You like being depressed.

Try harder.

These are common things I hear from my family. To them I want nothing more than to punch you square in the jaw every time your lips twist to form such idiotic words.

I LIKE being depressed? Are you insane?! Yes I like feeling myself slip into depths of sadness so deep that the very idea of light is comical.

Try harder?

Do you have any idea the amount of effort it takes just to roll out of my bed in the morning? Brush my teeth? Bathe? Nevermind going to work and pretending to actually care about my little paycheck.

I put forth so much effort just to try and survive daily. I try every day to push, I try to care about my relationships, etc.

Why don’t they understand?

—Ms. Nobody

Daily Ramblings

I had no idea I would write so much about the depression part of my life. I suppose it is like medicine. After every post I feel a sense of relief, like after you vomit up bad Chinese food. For those of you who took the time to read, like, or follow I greatly appreciate it.

Though I know many who suffer with this invisible disease, no one wants to talk about it or listen to it. I used to have friends who always wanted to know what I’m feeling but the minute I open my mouth I get shut down.

Note to you people. If you ask someone how they are feeling, be prepared to actually listen. Nothing is more annoying than attempting to open up finally and then have that person mutter an excuse and run off. Learn to ask a different question. I know I know we are conditioned to believe it is polite, but when you my supposed “friend” ask me how I’m doing or what’s going on with me, be ready to listen.

After my husband left I was a wreck, and it was very well known what had happened in our circle of friends. Every time someone approached me and asked how I was doing, I would answer truthfully. Often times I got that scared deer caught in headlights look.

Now granted I understand that maybe I shouldn’t have just dumped on them. Now that I’m somewhat in my right mind I feel a little bad, but I still stand by what I said. Don’t ask questions you don’t want a real answer to. The people who asked me were my “close” friends of the time. So when asked, especially since they knew what was happening, I expected a listening ear.

I lost a lot of friends. Then I found the few that sat down with me and just listened. They let me cry, they reasoned with me, they helped me.

Call me selfish. That’s okay. But when your whole world blows up in your face, tell me how you deal with it. I’m open to suggestions.

—Ms. Nobody